It’s been about a month since I’ve posted on Type A Mamas. I had to take a step back because I was not feeling very inspired and my posts felt forced. This blog was feeling more like a job and less like a therapeutic conversation.
I was also dealing with a lot of stresses that seemed to come all at once. There was a death in the family which resulted in a cross-country flight with a toddler (Amelia did great! She’s a natural traveler).
A close family member was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. My relationship with my baby daddy was on the rocks (that has since leveled out and we are on the mend). My big dopey coonhound Rupert had a pretty gruesome tail injury due to his extreme goofiness and was in the cone of shame for 2 weeks.
Amelia had TWO ear infections in a month and then there was another sudden death in the family.
Needless to say, I had a lot on my plate and Type A Mamas was adding to the stress instead of helping.
However, I’ve been feeling the blogging inspiration creep back in lately. About a week ago I started writing this post and, well, because I have a toddler, it has taken me longer than I anticipated to finish it…
I was in self-judgemental mood and was being a very harsh critic of myself as a person and a mother.
I went out for afternoon ciders with a friend while my daughter was in tow and was judging myself for drinking 2.5 pints. I wasn’t drunk, but I had a little head buzz going and I felt irresponsible – which is completely and totally ridiculous!
My almost 20 month old daughter loves nursing and is still nursing at night for comfort. We co-sleep so it’s very easy to just roll over and fall back asleep while she nurses. Lately, I’ve been wanting to encourage her to quit nursing at night and she is very resistant to the idea. We’ve been trying various tactics and such to night wean her and so far nothing has worked. I’ve been struggling with my desire to have a full, uninterrupted night’s sleep while also nurturing my daughter’s emotional needs that translate in comfort nursing at times. I know she will wean and sleep through the night eventually when she’s ready, but I’m really feeling the affects of 20 months of not having a full nights sleep.
I was feeling irresponsible, unsure of my latest parenting decision, overwhelmed, and just plain exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually from everything that has been going on.
Naturally, one night I woke up around midnight having a panic attack. I felt like a total failure of a human being and the negative head space I was in was literally making my skin hot and my stomach churn.
I braved the internet for solace – which can be a bit of a crapshoot. Luckily it boded well for me. The beauty of all this connectivity these days is when you are needing some comfort in the middle of the night you can find it.
I stumbled across this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson and I instantly snapped out of my shitty mood.
Nothing good comes from dwelling on past mistakes for too long. I frequently “should” all over myself and all that does is produce anxiety and makes it harder to move forward in a positive direction.
Every morning is a gift. You can choose to either continue any negativity from the past or learn from it, forgive yourself for any mistakes made, and move on. This isn’t always easy, but a mindful attitude and compassion for one’s self can only lead to contentment and a happier life. Emerson has been regarded as a “great mind” for a reason. I am taking his words to heart. I hope you do as well because we all deserve to be happy.